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How To Have Sex With Your Co-Workers

13 Jun

Important information for summer internships:

“The best way to nail coworkers is to go out to a bar with them and hit on other random chicks at the bar in front of them. You probably won’t get laid that night, but you’ll have just established a wild, disorganized game of Russian Penis Roulette with them all. Heck you might even find yourself banging Linda from Building Maintenance three years later in an abandoned stretch limo if you’re not careful!”

Linda needs to maintain her fucking house better.

Linda needs to maintain her fucking house better.

 

Long Time No Post

7 May

Please please pardon the long delay in posts. A lot going on here, but who cares about all that, let’s get to the terrible advice, shall we? Pretend this little thing never happened? Just call it even? Bygones being bygones and whatnot? Thanks! On with the action…

“I’ve been in hiding for a bit, biding my time and recording a rap album with songs like, “Cinco de Mayo Is Racist and for Faggots,” and generally just masturbating a lot. Also fucking occassionally. I’m in incredible fucking shape. My core is ripped and my dick has holes in it. But mostly I’ve been slanging the old ham hock around myself while listening to “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and crying. Research, I call it. And here’s what I’ve discovered– something incredible. Something that’s going to change the jerkoff game for good. I’ve discovered the A#1 search term for every site. What’s that? You didn’t know you could plug search terms into Internet Porn? What the fuck is wrong with you, amigo? It’s 2012! Anyway, as soon as it hit me, it all made sense. Sort of like the time I accidentally ate a quarter of mushrooms and had a long talk with Jesus about the band Cake and whether or not I was supposed to die in that moment or not. I wasn’t, thank God, because Cake was about to release ANOTHER SINGLE. Anyway times two, here’s the scoop, you flagrant piece of poop:

The word is LUCKY. 

“6 AWESOME WOMEN AND 1 LUCKY GUY!”

“HORNY TWINS MAKING A DICK LUCKY”

“TWO HOT ASSES FOR ONE LUCKY DEVIL”

and even: 

“LUCKY DICKFACE”

 The list goes on and on. Lucky guys get in the best sexual situations, and it’s high time we all took advantage of their good luck. Which brings me to my real point– You want to be perceived as lucky. That should be the goal. I remember being in a Blockbuster (which was a “video rental store”) as a teenager and seeing this dopey mope of a guy with his arm around a hot girl. “What a lucky fucker,” I said to my friend Rude (RIP Rude). And Rude told me something I’d forgotten until now: “Maybe he’s lucky… or maybe he’s the only dude that ever had the balls to hit on that super hot chick. And because he did, now he gets to lick her pussy, which I’d imagine tastes a lot like cinnamon applesauce by the Mott’s company.” Okay he didn’t say all that, but you get the point. People call dudes lucky who have a lot of money, or have a hot girlfriend, or drive nice cars way too fast in school zones while blaring Jethro Tull. But maybe they’re not lucky. Maybe they worked really hard to make that money, or had the Nuggershiwitz to hit on the tall blonde at the bar that all the other dudes were just staring at, or the gumption to ignore a crossing guard and mow down three disabled 8th graders because they needed both hands to do the air flute solo.

The point is, be that guy people call lucky. And let them call you that. Because you’ll know it’s not luck behind it all. It’s cocaine and revenge. Cocaine. And revenge. And I bid you goodnight with that, hermanito.”

He's right. Holy shit he's right.

He’s right. Holy shit he’s right.

New Pickup Line

17 Feb

For any of you who HATE getting laid:

“BOOM! I did it again. Just came up with the sickest new pickup line in history. Here’s what you do– Go up to a hot girl at a bar and say, “Hey did you hear that Subway’s running a $5 footlong special?” She’ll be all like, “Sure, what? Okay, like, so…” or whatever girls blather. Then you say, “Yeah it sounds like a pretty good deal, until you find out that my apartment is running a SIX-INCH SPECIAL FOR FREE!” Then you pop your eyebrows up and down and hail a taxi because that bitch is coming home with you! When you get there make sure you’ve purchased at least two but preferably four six-inchers from Subway because who knows what she’ll be in the mood for.” 

Years ago he made a song about Subway called, “There’s a Fly On Everything.” It ruled. I will try to find it. 

This can be yours!

This can be yours!

Don’t Forget

12 Feb

to follow this simple rule:

“Make sure you bang a girl who dresses like this at some point in your life. It will be a fleeting but memorable time for you, because chicks who dress like this are crazy in bed and even crazier out of it.” 

Here she is, Miss America!

Here she is, Miss America!

The Beard Chronicles Part Two

31 Jan

Always darkest before the dawn. Is that the saying?

“Well, shaving my beard might have been a terrible decision. I just gave a “what’s up” head nod to a cool-ass dude with a beard and he looked at me all like, “Yeah, what IS up, bitch?” Then I remembered I didn’t have my beard on. Anyway, half my face is light pink and the other half is a beautiful tan. I’m like Two-Face from Batman. I’M HIDEOUS!”

Then later he sent this:

“Might be getting back on track. Just got my first double-take validation from a hot chick at a 7-11. She might have just mistaken me for a walking, human form of her shaved pussy, but she also might’ve thought I was cute. Stands to be determined.” 

Don't get confused. Those are just regular old women.

Don’t get confused. Those are just regular old women.

In His Day

25 Jan

Things were different…

“In my day, if you bragged about staying at home alone to watch an entire TV series you got punched, not laid. Times have changed. The hipsters have forced their nerdiness on all of us, so now dudes at bars say stuff like, “You HAVEN’T seen Downton Abbey???” to chicks instead of “Wanna go back to my place and pour hot sauce on each other?” Also what the fuck happened to the second W on that show? No time for it? Fuck you!” 

That's "some" ecard! ZING!

That’s “some” ecard! ZING!

Past, Present, Future

21 Jan

This is one of those all encompassing on accident emails:

“Took the day off to celebrate MLK and BHO, went to CVS to get some CAB (cigarettes and beer) and luckily Obama’s “No Beer Before 10AM” law hadn’t passed yet. Anyway, needed to get the discount on the wet wipes but I didn’t have a card, and my phone number didn’t work, so I told the cute Mexican chick who was giving me googly eyes my ex-girlfriend’s phone number because I KNOW that bitch had a CVS card. As I was driving away I realized that now I have to text my ex-girlfriend and alert her that a cute Mexican girl is probably gonna hit her up for sex later and to just forward me the text. Bottom line dude? Life is muey complicado. Just try to make the best of it. And remember, in about five years, you’ll need to use wet wipes every time you poop. And that’s sad.” 

Was this the girl????

Was this the girl????

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