Archive | Sex With Old Women RSS feed for this section

Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!

 

Respect Your Elders

13 Jun

and cheer them up whichever way you know best…

“Gave myself an early bday present last night and banged an old woman like a judge’s gavel. Met her in a strip mall parking lot. She’d just lost in the finals of a Jazzercise tournament and was super bummed, so I spat some A Level Game and we were bumping wrinklies in less than an hour. She said I was the “Bee’s Knees” and I’m not hip to old people slang but I think she meant her knees stung from the carpet burns. AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT??????”

The idea of not being “hip to old people slang” is funny to me. 

Hot as fuck.

Everyone Looks The Same To Him

6 May

Which is why he supposedly “can’t see color” like Stephen Colbert…

“All 60 year old women who’ve had tons of plastic surgery look EXACTLY the same, so I can never tell which are the three I fucked and which are just skin-walkers I’ll see in my nightmares later.” 

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

8 Mar

And you’ll be rewarded…

“A hot mom at the grocery store check-out line just reminded me that women on their bluetooth headsets have no concept of anything other than their conversation, so they forget that when they keep bending over in front of you to get stuff out of their cart, their mom-tits keep hanging out of their cute little loose shirts. Just keep that in mind– something for the old spank bank.” 

Start staring!

Dangerous Boners

13 Dec

Best title ever? I think so. Let him explain…

“Have you seen that new Cialis commercial where the guy is grilling and it starts raining so he kisses his wife and then it’s bone time? Hope not, because if you’re watching TV in a frat house instead of watching a girl work out her daddy issues on a dirty couch, you joined the wrong fraternity. Anyway, the dude grabs his wife and starts kissing her, and then the sun comes out and a ferris wheel appears out of nowhere (Praise Tebow!), so they leave the grill on and go bang it out. Um, hello???? Your fucking grill is still on, dumbass!!! Have fun when you get back from smashing that old tackle box on the pier and find out that your damn house burnt down! Best case scenario is you burned all that good meat– and PS, why were you cooking so much meat? There’s only two of you idiots! I’ll never understand white people. Good luck on your finals.”

LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Keeping Tabs

24 Oct

It’s as important as keeping up with your reading in school:

“I’ve been so busy recently that I totally forgot to have sex with that old married Korean woman. Can you imagine?!?! She must be so sad and bored. I’ll check in with her tonight and make sure everything’s okay. It’s good to keep tabs on all of your sexual partners and make sure they’re still interested in having meaningless, somewhat pathetic sex with you every now and then.”

“Pay It Forward, Bro.”

5 Oct

I was thinking I’d get another “I got fired” email but he either never went to work or somehow got by today. Instead I got this finally:

“You wanna make the World a better place? Fuck recycling, fuck politics, fuck teaching kids to read. Do this instead: Stare an older woman up and down today. Not lasciviously (look it up), but as if to say- you like what you see. And pick a regular one too, not some dumbass cougar. If you feel like it’s getting awkward, maybe say “hey” in a breathy voice at the end and pop your eyebrows up and down. That chick will go straight home and fuck the hell out of her husband. If we all do this forever, one day we’ll be the husbands getting that fucking. Pay it forward, bro.” 

Look at this cougar trying to be all sexy and shit.

Transmission From The Show Pt. 2

5 Aug

The age old quandary…

“Girl Talk or Muse for tonight’s finale???? Girl Talk equals naive young chicks pretending to know rap music on ecstasy, Muse equals seasoned whores trying to forget their ex-husbands on ecstasy. Or I could go to Coldplay and blow my brains out. I’m on the fence.”

I told him Muse because I heard their shows are cool and because I think he’s too old for the girls at Girl Talk haha.

Evidence: I typed "girl talk concert" into Google images and this is what came up. Also what the fuck am I doing posting this shit on a Friday night for?

Gearing Up For Year Two

27 Jul

I’m already sick of being home. This email made me feel a little better:

“Now that you’re heading into your sophomore year, and hopefully off probation so you can get back to partying your dick into the atmosphere, you’re going to need to step your game up. Guess what bro? Senior chicks will have sex with you now. Remember last year, how they looked at you like you were a bird having a seizure? Well now they’ll totally F you. You might even finding yourself banging twin sister seniors (by the transitive property of not being able to tell them apart) or being invited to parties where you’re one of the only sophomores in sight.

 So if you’re around a bunch of hot 22 year old chicks, remember this: They might be acting cocky, but deep down, they’re nervous. It’s just occurred to them that they’re going to have to pretend to work for the next like, three years or something, and that all of the dudes who used to fuck them, the now senior bros, are totally uninterested in them. “It’s like I’m invisible or something Becky!” they might say to Becky. So they’re feeling insecure, and looking to show up some dudes don’t even care about them anymore, and there you are, just sitting on the couch. So stand up, take a big step toward them so that you completely invade their territory, and say “Hey. You a senior? Cool.” Boom! You’ve empowered her. Now sweep her into your dumb little arms and give her the unnecessary-revenge-fuck she’s craving!”

I actually heard about this from a couple upperclassmen in the spring. Sounds promising. 

Now which one of you did I have sex with again?

Wine, Women, and Octopuses

26 Jul

Octopi? Anyone? Here is his tale of the high seas of alcohol:

“I’m such an old loser. Last night I found a full glass of wine and had no idea how it got there. But I must’ve poured it, ya know, because I was alone and drunk as shit off wine? Anyway, I said aloud, “Oh shit! Who poured me this fuckin’ glass of wine?!!!” That’s how old and gay I am. I’m yelling about wine, alone. And I’m not even 30 yet. Although it was kinda funny at the time. I LOL’d no homo. And don’t worry, the night wasn’t a complete loss. The married Korean woman came over and J’d my D and then let me F on her L while she T’d my N’s. Then she recited (from memory) a story about an octopus that killed her grandfather in the 1950’s. I could almost hear the tentacles crashing through the deck planks! I woke up today and she was gone. Oh boo-hoo, boo-hoo, come back old woman come back I miss you already!!!! Hahahahahahahaha!”

Jesus. A lot of stuff going on here. We got “no homo” back! But who’s filling in those letters? I have a good guess. And I feel bad for that Korean lady’s husband. He probably thinks she’s just really busy with friends. 

 

Too easy sometimes. I typed "funny wine" into Google Images.

Our grandfathers both died of heart attacks, not octopus attacks luckily.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 739 other followers

%d bloggers like this: