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Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!

 

Respect Your Elders

13 Jun

and cheer them up whichever way you know best…

“Gave myself an early bday present last night and banged an old woman like a judge’s gavel. Met her in a strip mall parking lot. She’d just lost in the finals of a Jazzercise tournament and was super bummed, so I spat some A Level Game and we were bumping wrinklies in less than an hour. She said I was the “Bee’s Knees” and I’m not hip to old people slang but I think she meant her knees stung from the carpet burns. AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT??????”

The idea of not being “hip to old people slang” is funny to me. 

Hot as fuck.

Everyone Looks The Same To Him

6 May

Which is why he supposedly “can’t see color” like Stephen Colbert…

“All 60 year old women who’ve had tons of plastic surgery look EXACTLY the same, so I can never tell which are the three I fucked and which are just skin-walkers I’ll see in my nightmares later.” 

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

8 Mar

And you’ll be rewarded…

“A hot mom at the grocery store check-out line just reminded me that women on their bluetooth headsets have no concept of anything other than their conversation, so they forget that when they keep bending over in front of you to get stuff out of their cart, their mom-tits keep hanging out of their cute little loose shirts. Just keep that in mind– something for the old spank bank.” 

Start staring!

Dangerous Boners

13 Dec

Best title ever? I think so. Let him explain…

“Have you seen that new Cialis commercial where the guy is grilling and it starts raining so he kisses his wife and then it’s bone time? Hope not, because if you’re watching TV in a frat house instead of watching a girl work out her daddy issues on a dirty couch, you joined the wrong fraternity. Anyway, the dude grabs his wife and starts kissing her, and then the sun comes out and a ferris wheel appears out of nowhere (Praise Tebow!), so they leave the grill on and go bang it out. Um, hello???? Your fucking grill is still on, dumbass!!! Have fun when you get back from smashing that old tackle box on the pier and find out that your damn house burnt down! Best case scenario is you burned all that good meat– and PS, why were you cooking so much meat? There’s only two of you idiots! I’ll never understand white people. Good luck on your finals.”

LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Keeping Tabs

24 Oct

It’s as important as keeping up with your reading in school:

“I’ve been so busy recently that I totally forgot to have sex with that old married Korean woman. Can you imagine?!?! She must be so sad and bored. I’ll check in with her tonight and make sure everything’s okay. It’s good to keep tabs on all of your sexual partners and make sure they’re still interested in having meaningless, somewhat pathetic sex with you every now and then.”

“Pay It Forward, Bro.”

5 Oct

I was thinking I’d get another “I got fired” email but he either never went to work or somehow got by today. Instead I got this finally:

“You wanna make the World a better place? Fuck recycling, fuck politics, fuck teaching kids to read. Do this instead: Stare an older woman up and down today. Not lasciviously (look it up), but as if to say- you like what you see. And pick a regular one too, not some dumbass cougar. If you feel like it’s getting awkward, maybe say “hey” in a breathy voice at the end and pop your eyebrows up and down. That chick will go straight home and fuck the hell out of her husband. If we all do this forever, one day we’ll be the husbands getting that fucking. Pay it forward, bro.” 

Look at this cougar trying to be all sexy and shit.

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