Archive | 5:06 pm

Of Hammers and Harmonicas

13 Apr

Today’s sex tip courtesy of a man with an un-verifiably long penis:

“It’s hard to explain to a girl that you’re not interested in them sexually, but you are VERY interested in them + one friend. To best accomplish this, you first need to be on stable ground in your one-on-one sexual relations. So tough out the awkward sex moves, the cellulite, and the occasional toilet paper remnants– because you’re building towards something potentially great. While you’re having sex next time, when you’re getting a real good pump in, make sure to yell something like “I wish I could go down on you at the same time I’m fucking you!” Then get in real close to hear her response of “Me too” or whatever she says (lady talk = not important). When she does, mention the potential of bringing in her sluttiest friend sometime (they’re usually named Brittany or Kelsey, FYI). You know, to do what you can’t. All girls are like guys in that they too have a lesbian fantasy from time to time. The sheer excitement of the idea combined with the power of Absolut Vodka should help her to acquiesce (Jesus Christ look it up, dipshit!) Once you’ve got the crew together, teach them a move I call the Two-Sided Harmonica and make sweet sweet music! Let me know if that doesn’t work and I’ll think of something else. That is, of course, unless you have a fourteen inch Schlonson Hammer in your pants like me. If that’s the case, fuck it. Just tell the chick to bring a friend next time to see the show. As Kobe Bryant says, “You’re welcome, Faggot!””

I remember he once told me a long time ago that a guy who brags about his dick a lot probably doesn’t have a big one. Maybe he forgot.

"I'm Kobe Bryant, and I approved this fucking faggot-ass message."

No Prescription Needed

13 Apr

I don’t advise this for anyone. At all. But he sent it, so here you go…

“Taking random pills is a great way to find out secrets about yourself. Did you take two purples and end up naked in a fountain? You’re Gaylord Perry. Did you take a blue trapezoid and tell your RA all  your secrets? You need counseling. Did you take three reds and piss in a hot girl’s clothing hamper? You’re awesome! The best way to judge the effects of a pill is to look at the person who gave them to you. For instance if he was crying when he handed them over, maybe just take half. If you’re curious what you’re being offered there is a website specifically devoted to identifying pills, but surprisingly it doesn’t list things like “tiny blue circle with machine gun on it” or “bright orange oval with penis on it” anywhere. Yet another example of the Internet’s failings.”

The website he’s referring to is this:

"Take two and call me later to fuck."

Dealing With Awkwardness

13 Apr

This would be sure to work. “On Opposite Day.” :

“When you get caught staring at a girl’s tits like I just did (new receptionist) immediately rip off your shirt and wink at her. This will completely diffuse any awkwardness and sexism in the air and put you on an even playing field. You could also try simultaneously farting. I recently time traveled into the future and found that fart jokes are still hilarious.”

I’ll be placing this in the very cramped file known as “Things I Hope He Really Did At Work.”


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