Archive | 12:39 pm

Somehow I Missed This

23 Nov

And I’m sorry. He wrote a letter to God after that crazy Denver Broncos game and sent it to my old email that I rarely check, not my school email for some reason. He also sent it to like 50 other people including our Dad.  Its crazy:

“Dear God,

Thank you for coming down from the Heavens, or up from the pool, and taking on the human vessel of Tim Tebow tonight. Previously I’d thought that Tim was just an evangelical heartthrob, sent here to use his sharp nose to cut a circular hole in the glass box around my heart and unleash it upon the World to spread Your love. But no longer. Now I understand that he IS YOU, because no one could have possibly played such a boring, terrible game and still given me a raging Christ boner the entire time. And please, before you freak out– I DON’T MEAN THAT IN A NASTY WAY. No Romo, God, no Romo. I just appreciate the time you took to play an entire game of football when there are people dying in that one country and shooting in that other country that I’ll NEVER GO TO, even if the hottest half-black/half-white/half Egyptian jazz singer with C cup tits and ass for days and the ability to give me multiple orgasms invited me to go there. You wanted to prove a point. A point that no matter how much people tell you that you suck– that you can’t throw or dance or cry on command or shoplift under heavy surveillance– they’re wrong. You can do whatever you want. You can win games as a quarterback even if you suck at playing quarterback. You’ve taught us all an important lesson tonight, God. Thx!”

Our Dad somehow figured out how to reply to me and him only, and wrote: “What is this all about?” to which my brother responded “It’s a salad recipe. WTF.” I think that sets the stage perfectly for tomorrow. 

I just got a Tebowner.

Here’s a recap of the game if you’re not familiar with what happened:

Meanwhile, this idiot agrees with my brother:

Fuckin’ Philosophical And Shit

23 Nov

I think that explains it…

“Was just walking down the street towards two pretty girls when a leaf fell from a tree and cascaded down between us. I caught it at about waist-level and gave them a smile. They both giggled flirtatiously as they passed. Did I get either of their phone numbers? Fuck no! But I did jerk off to thoughts of them as soon as I got home. Man I’m feeling existential today!”

That’s not what my understanding of Existentialism is but whatever…


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